Take Five (Campaign Trail Mix edition)

[JeffR]

ONE: Further Adventures of Governor Goodprayer

Fresh from praying his evil little heart out last weekend, Texas Governor Rick Perry is barnstorming South Carolina, New Hampshire and Iowa this weekend. Just what have those fine states done to deserve this? Beats me, but it must have been really awful.

Perry will be appearing at the RedState Gathering in Charleston on Saturday. Following his address to the conservative faithful, Perry will brush his hair, munch on canapés and conduct a brief bombardment of Fort Sumter. Then it's off to a party in New Hampshire Saturday evening for more canapés, and presumably more brushing. Sunday will find him in Waterloo, Iowa, birthplace of none other than Michele Bachmann.

And Monday is apt to find Perry leading the GOP field in every major poll, at which point all hell's going to break loose as the pack of sudden also-rans frantically vie to portray themselves as the most God-fearin', gun-lovin', immigrant-bashin', marriage-defendin', Obama-opposin', tax-cuttin', Islamofascist-defeatin', free market-fellatin' honest-to-gawd genuine dyed-in-the-wool bullet-headed mother's-milk conservative to come down the pike since, say, Fred Thompson.

And about Perry's prayerstravaganza, it seems that Reliant Stadium's 71,500 seats were more than ample for The Response. Most news stories put the attendance at about 30,000, but judging from photos of the event, it was surely less than that.

It's a shame, then, that Perry couldn't cede Reliant to Houston's other big public gathering that day, a back-to school event that attracted 100,000 people in search of free school supplies, health and dental check-ups, immunizations, and fresh fruit and vegetables.

Beatrice Jones, who has two children in the Spring school district, arrived about 10:15 a.m. with her daughter and niece, only to find the doors closed and a police officer announcing the event was over.

"They were supposed to have school supplies, but all we got was sweating and paid parking," Jones said.

School Superintendent Terry Grier posted a Twitter message Saturday morning that security personnel had estimated the crowd at 100,000. At about 10 a.m., officials made the call to close the doors.

Try praying next time, Ms Jones. If it's good enough for Rick Perry, it should be good enough for the peons.

TWO: And then there's that other Rick…

Perhaps sensing that he'll be the first Republican candidate to be completely forgotten as soon as Rick Perry announces, Rick Santorum has really dialed up the wacky.

He regaled the editors of the Des Moines Register with his advice on how to handle the high cost of health care:

I had a woman the other day who came up and complained to me that she has to pay $200 a month for her prescriptions… I said, in other words, this $200 a month keeps you alive, she goes yes. I said, and you’re complaining that you’re paying $200 a month and it keeps you alive? What’s your cable bill? I mean, what’s your cell phone bill? Because she had a cell phone. And how can you say that you complain that you have $200 to keep you alive and that’s a problem? No, that’s a blessing!

Well, it's hard to argue with that, but only because it doesn't make any sense at all.

In Iowa Falls, Santorum pivoted to a topic on which he's always considered himself to be an expert: marriage. Speaking to a crowd of 38 at the Oak River Hills Mall Hy-Vee, Santorum resorted to prop comedy, always a risky endeavor:

"This," he said suddenly, "is a napkin."

Santorum appears to yank a brown piece of paper, which might very well be a napkin, from a nearby dispenser.

"I can call this napkin a paper towel," he said. "But it is a napkin. And why? Because it is what it is. Right? You can call it whatever you want, but it doesn't change the character of what it is.

So when people come out and say that marriage is something else — marriage is the marriage of five people, five, 10, 20. Marriage can be between fathers and daughters. Marriage can be between any two people, any four people, any 10 people, it can be any kind of relationship and we can call it marriage. But it doesn't make it marriage. Why? Because there are certain qualities and certain things that attach to the definition of what marriage is."

There are certain qualities and certain things that attach to the definition of what an assclown is. And Rick Santorum has them.

THREE: Is any Republican other than Bob Dole not running?

If you still believe the current race for the Republican nomination isn't the most ridiculous ever, get ready to be convinced. George Pataki is making noises about running:

"I am considering it," Pataki said. "There hasn't been a Republican who has made solving the debt issue a cornerstone of their campaign."

"I know it has to be decided in a very short period of time, so I will make that decision very quickly."

Don't bother, George. Let me do it for you. Scram.

FOUR: Those who live by the Bush…

Jon Huntsman, still nominally a candidate for the Republican nomination (though a serious, well-mannered, and hence doomed candidate) managed to snag a big endorsement this week from the First Family of American Conservatives (though conservatives would seemingly rather gargle Drano than talk about them), the Bush clan.

Who did the endorsement? Why, none other than Jeb Bush… Jr.

It was Jeb Bush Jr. — not his father, the former governor — who was throwing his support behind Huntsman. And the son made clear he did not speak for the father.

“I’ve been trying to pick his brain a little bit,” Bush Jr. said. “I’ll start lobbying him. We’ll see.”

I can save you some time, Jeb Jr. Your father once endorsed presidential hopeful George Walker Bush, his brother and your uncle, who went on to become the worst president in the nation's history, bar none. Your father prefers stupid, shallow and nasty in the Oval Office, and he'd be delighted to provide the stupid, shallow and nasty himself, once Barack Obama completes his second term.

So even if ol' dad comes around and says publicly that Jon Huntsman is the greatest thing since Ronald Reagan's hair dye, take it for what it's worth: just marking time.

FIVE: Ark Park No Shot in the Dark

A planned biblical theme park in Kentucky is receiving a flood of government largesse:

The Grant County city of Williamstown has offered a 75 percent property tax break to The Ark Encounter over the next 30 years…

The project is expected to break ground in the next few months. The tax deal is in addition to nearly $200,000 from Grant County's economic development arm given as an enticement to keep the project located there, along with 100 acres of reduced-price land.

The state of Kentucky has also promised $40 million worth of sales tax rebates and a possible $11 million in improvements to the nearby interstate highway, financed by the Kentucky Transportation Cabinet.

And in return, along with Noah's Ark and a Tower of Babel, Williamstown gets 900 predominantly low-wage jobs, many of which will be part-time positions. Miraculous.

Actually, in fairness, they're also going to get an aviary, a walled city and a first-century village. And here's your chance to get in on the ground floor!

Partner with us in this amazing outreach by sponsoring a peg, plank, or beam that will be used to build the Ark!

A beam will set you back $5,000, while a plank is a mere thousand and a peg is a real bargain at only a C-note.

The Ark Encounter – sounds strangely like an unused Robert Ludlum title, doesn't it? – is the brainchild of the entrepreneurs who dreamed up the Creation Museum. And they bring ye tidings of great joy!

Just as God brought the animals to Noah by the appropriate time (Genesis 6:20), He’s providing the resources for this dynamic experience. A special “thank you” goes out to all of you who have faithfully prayed and given time and resources to the Ark Encounter!

Savvy as they are at this sort of thing, they do seem a little confused about who's buttering their bread. If the Maker is providing the resources, it's unclear why the public is being asked to chip in another 21 million bucks, but of course it's said that God moves in mysterious ways. Grifters, on the other hand, are generally much more predictable.

[jaxx]

I sit here laughing and then think omg this stuff is real. These nuts are really wanting to be the POTUS. I'm gonna pray real hard that they lose.

As for the Ark Encounter... I want to know when they're going to build hell. Seems to me they could fill it with their politicians!

I enjoyed reading this JeffR, it was one of those I wonder what the next sentence will bring. No disappointment, good to the very end.

[Julie]

My gawd, what lunacy! At least when it's fun to read it is less horrifying. Thanks for that Jeff.

Julie

[RoyGBiv]

OMG, Governor Goodprayer!

[nofurylike]

"Grifters, on the other hand, are generally much more predictable."

omg, brilliant, JeffR!!!

thank you for this! again!