Take Five (What a Fool Believes edition)
06-28-2012, 06:52 PM
Take Five (What a Fool Believes edition)
Read the full article on the blog.
ONE: Bleatings from Asbury Park, N.J.
Which little city has the sixth-best beach in New Jersey, was famously name-checked in a Bruce Springsteen album title, and just got a self-appointed Republican nanny? If you guessed Asbury Park, then kudos to you, even if you only got it from the subtitle above.
Louise Murray used to serve on Asbury Park's city council, and although the predominantly blue burg no longer has to put up with her in that role, it will have to endure her tenure as chair of the local Republican Party, a position she assumed this week. Murray's avowed first order of business is to "concentrate on re-energizing the Republicans in the city," and if you'd like an example of what it apparently takes to re-energize Republicans, here you go:
Beachgoers may be surprised to learn beachwear is illegal on the boardwalk in Asbury — and one resident wishes the city would enforce the dress code rules.Murray's remarks no doubt sent an electric shock right through the hindquarters of local Republicans:
“I’ll be darned if I want to be standing at a bar and have somebody slither up in a Speedo or bikini that shouldn’t be in a bathing suit,” Murray said. “It’s disgraceful… I implore you to enforce this, but do not amend it.”Good thinking. This will finally give Asbury Park's 86 police officers something to concentrate on other than a violent crime index over five times higher than the national average. And – bonus! – Murray's position has the support of at least one local Democrat:
Deputy Mayor John Loffredo responded, “I honestly don’t disagree with you.”So here's to a boardwalk unadulterated with butt-floss, postage-stamp-sized banana hammocks and other assorted fashion crimes. After all, as Murray insightfully points out:
“I don’t want to go back to 1940 or 1950 but the bottom line is you have on your books an ordinance — no person clad in bathing attire shall be on the boardwalk or public walks adjacent thereto,” Murray said. “Asbury Park was known for being the classiest boardwalk in the summertime. You never went down there unless you were dressed.”Even if The Boss didn't want you to be:
"Chasin' the factory girls underneath the boardwalk where they all promise to unsnap their jeans…"For all her admirable heavy lifting in New Jersey, I do hope Louise Murray stays away from Oregon. I'm just not sure how she might react to a recent wardrobe-related incident there, what with the GOP being The Official Political Party of JesusTM and all:
State police say a 26-year-old Texas man, who identified himself as Jesus Christ, has been arrested after he was discovered disrupting traffic near Roseburg wearing only his underwear and socks…Now, I don't know if God so loved the world that He couldn't even wait until His only begotten Son was fully dressed before sending Him back to this screwy planet, but the last time the authorities got hold of Jesus, things went south pretty quickly. And now we wait uneasily to see if Governor Kitzhaber gets involved, or whether he washes his hands of the matter.
TWO: Joe Rockhead
Viewers of The 700 Club got a rare treat recently when Congressional aspirant Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher related to the program how he came to Christ. It all began when his youth pastor invited him out for a bite and told him to bring along a science book:
He put the Bible on one side and I put the science book on this side. He said: Okay. Read the cover. And I don't exactly remember, you know, if – my biology or chemistry book, but I do remember this, you know: "Revision 7."Pretty incredible? The only way it could be more incredible would be if Joe had seen the face of Jesus on the rye bun of his Brawny Lad.
Along with this artful pandering to evangelical voters, Joe is making sure to kiss some NRA ass, as well. A recent web video offered up an idea so thoroughly scrambled it makes the ravings of Wayne LaPierre seem almost rational:
Mr. Wurzelbacher released a campaign web video in which he blamed the Holocaust and the Armenian genocide on gun control laws.Maybe you do, Joe, but why do you hate her produce?
THREE: Birth of a Notion
A chastened Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett appeared in Take Five late in May, apologizing for having made his state a laughingstock by pestering Hawaii to provide proof that the President was born there:
“If I embarrassed the state I apologize, but that certainly wasn’t my intent,” Bennett, a Republican, told Phoenix radio station KTAR.Bennett must believe that his brief lapse into remorse cost him some of his GOP street cred, so last week he decided to just go for the conspiracy theory gold:
Secretary of State Ken Bennett says he’s convinced Obama was born in Hawaii, but he now believes the president fraudulently claimed to be born in Kenya so he could get into college. He also believes the president has spent millions of dollars since then to cover it up…I have to disagree, Ken. I think the weird stuff is still going on. Weird stuff like 59% of Arizona voters actually believing you're fit to be their Secretary of State. That's so weird I still have a hard time believing it.
FOUR: "And they're both named Hussein!!!"
While Ken Bennett finally conceded that the President was born in Hawaii, a recent poll finds that nearly 64% of Bennett's fellow Republicans disagree. Professor Benjamin Valentino of Dartmouth put a variety of questions, mostly centered on foreign policy, to self-identified Republicans, Democrats and Independents. Can you guess which group's views were the most ridiculous?
Question 4 afforded Republican respondents a ripe opportunity to demonstrate that they're too myopic to see just how ignorant they are:
How closely would you say you follow news about world affairs and foreign policy issues?40.7% of Republicans said "very closely" while another 38.6% answered "somewhat closely." A section of select demographic questions following the survey proper posed a similar question, with similar results:
Some people seem to follow what's going on in government and public affairs most of the time, whether there's an election going on or not. Others aren't that interested. Would you say you follow what's going on in government and public affairs ... ?55.8% of Republicans answered "most of the time" with another 28.2% went with "some of the time" for a whopping 84% of Republicans making at least a modest claim to being well informed. So let's see what these "well informed" folks think about a couple of issues, starting with Question 63:
Do you believe that the following statement is true or not true? "Iraq had weapons of mass destruction when the United States invaded in 2003."62.9% of Republican respondents said "true" while another 19.6% still haven't been able to make up their well informed minds. (I won't comment on the 14.9% of Democratic respondents who also opted for "true" because I'm just too damn astounded.)
Question 64 then takes us a little deeper into the Twilight Zone:
Which of the following statements best describes your views on whether Barack Obama was born in the United States or another country?"I have always believed President Obama was born in another country" was the choice of 55.6% of Republicans. Another 8% picked "I used to think President Obama was born in the United States, but now I think he was born in another country" instead.
So if you want to keep up with the class, Ken Bennett, you'd better get busy studying the PDF of the poll results.
FIVE: Fables of the Reconstruction
Southern Baptists recently held their annual get-together in the City That George W. Bush Forgot, and they did something unprecedented:
With overwhelming affirmation, sustained applause and no verbal opposition, Fred Luter Jr., pastor of Franklin Avenue Baptist Church in New Orleans, was elected as the first African American president of the Southern Baptist Convention.If you felt the world slip off its axis there, be not afraid. The very next day, the convention decided to go back to being entirely predictable:
Thousands of delegates at the denomination’s annual meeting in New Orleans on Wednesday were nearly unanimous in their support for the resolution that affirms their belief that marriage is “the exclusive union of one man and one woman” and that “all sexual behavior outside of marriage is sinful.”Two lesbians who would probably disagree with the Southern Baptists celebrated their civil rights last Friday by getting married in DC. One of them is Mary Cheney, whose father you might remember from his eight-year stint as presidential puppeteer:
"Mary and Heather have been in a committed relationship for many years, and we are delighted that they were able to take advantage of the opportunity to have that relationship recognized," the Cheney family said in a statement. "Mary and Heather and their children are very important and much loved members of our family and we wish them every happiness."
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