Goldman Sachs Chairman Honors Smith, Introduces New Investment Vehicle

[The Desperate Blogger]

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Responding to fallout from a New York Times op-ed piece in which outgoing director Greg Smith described the firm's environment as "toxic and destructive," Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein not only publicly praised Mr. Smith while thanking him for his contributions to the firm, but also credited him as the inspiration for Goldman's newest, and according to Blankfein, "most innovative investment vehicle in many years."

Disagreeing with Smith's allegations that Goldman has developed a culture which puts profits ahead of clients' interests, Blankfein told reporters, "I was of course shocked and saddened when I read Greg's piece this morning. All I can say is -- and his stellar performance might bear this out -- I think the poor guy was probably just working too hard. We at Goldman could not agree more with his sentiments as to how we should operate, not only because it's good business, but because it's the right thing to do -- for our clients as well as for our long-term bottom-line. Remember, we are the one Wall Street firm that takes pride in doing the Lord's work."

Mr. Blankfein also used this afternoon's event at 666 Fifth Avenue to introduce his firm's latest investment vehicle, claiming it was actually inspired by the outgoing director who this morning blamed the Chairman's lack of leadership for what he described as a "decline in the firm's moral fiber."

"Greg wrote that he always took pride in advising his clients to do what he believed was right for them, even if it made less money for the firm. That is why he was so successful, and in his 12 years with us, became one of our top executive directors. And fortunately for us and our clients, Greg mentored many of our best people.

With that in mind, we have had our most successful analysts scour our ranks seeking out our best and brightest employees who share not only Greg Smith's ability, but also his values. Our investors deserve only the best, most trustworthy advisors we can provide. And combining this principle with the long-held standard that diversity minimizes risk, we are pleased to announce the creation of a new AAA-rated investment vehicle that allows our clients to capitalize on the combined ability of many advisors as opposed to one.

What we have done is taken all of our Greg Smiths, broken them up into little pieces, and bundled those pieces into what we call 'Winning Mixture Derivatives'. These WMDs will provide our investors with the security of knowing they own a piece of paper that will track the combined performance of hundreds of our best and brightest, as opposed to just one -- eliminating the risk of an underperforming quarter or the uncertainty of having to move your portfolio because some disloyal, ungrateful bastard thinks he's too good for the firm that made the top 1% of the top 1% who they are today."

Mr. Blankfein added that Goldman's new WMDs have been assured AAA ratings from all three of the major credit rating agencies, and that AIG has agreed to underwrite unlimited credit default swaps against investor and speculator WMD losses.

© 2012 The Desperate Blogger. This article is reproduced by permission of the author. All rights reserved.

[jaxx]

Zinger! And the $$ signs called their customers muppets.

Awesome TDB.